Kramer vs Kramer vs Kyrie vs Kevin
Thesaurus and Photoshop really coming through for me this week
This week I watched Rise, the movie about Giannis and the Antetokounmpo family’s ascent (rise) from poverty to stability and NBA superstardom. It was a standard biopic, with a story I already knew from a mini-documentary, book, and any time any given NBA announcer talks about Giannis.
What I’m very surprised to see go unmentioned in the commentary around Rise is that Giannis is played by Denzel Washington.
Charles and Veronica Antetokounmpo were played by Dayo Okeniyi and Yetide Badaki, but the rest of the Antetokounbros, and much of the remaining cast were played by relative unknowns - no disrespect to Tag from Friends, who plays a 76ers rep. I understand the idea behind Denzel’s casting - he’s one of the (if not thee) GOAT actors, playing one of the (if not thee) GOAT basketball players - but still, it was somewhat surprising to see him play a Greek/Nigerian teenager.
Predictably, he delivers a magnetic performance. Although it was virtually a guarantee that we’re rooting for Giannis, Denzel’s undeniable charm made sure of it. The physical transformation he underwent, particularly for being 66 years old at the time of filming, has to be one of the more impressive and committed metamorphoses in modern cinema. He brought a litheness to Giannis’s malnourished teen frame, but was clearly equally committed to creating the sculpted effect of Giannis’s superstar body, with his head only marginally looking the wrong size.
The transformation didn’t always look seamless, and criticism should rightly be levelled at the scene where he looked more like Isiah Thomas than an impoverished sixteen year old.
On the whole, a compelling narrative let down by an insipid script, but bolstered by heartfelt performances. Washington will unfortunately be shut out of the Oscar debate because of Austin Butler’s Elvis Presley, but I will long remember what he did in this perfectly mediocre movie.
Plans for several set pieces from Baz Luhrmann’s next feature ‘Grand Destino’ have been leaked in an suspected email hack. The movie, which is alleged to be narrated by Doc Rivers - as played by Tom Hanks - will focus on the LA Clippers’ stay in Disney’s Grand Destino hotel during the NBA bubble.
Players from the other teams staying there - Bucks, Lakers, Raptors, Celtics, Nuggets, and Heat - are expected to appear in supporting or minor roles, and although they were present, there will be no mention of the Utah Jazz.
This Must Be The Place/Kokomo Mash-Up (Andre 3000 and Big Boi)
Andre 3000 and Big Boi are reputedly working on a mash-up of Talking Heads’ This Must Be The Place, and the Beach Boys’ Kokomo, although they have made it clear that this is just a musical collaboration, not an OutKast reunion. Luhrmann felt Andre and Big Boi were the only pair that could capture the restrained energy of This Must Be The Place, while infusing it with the silly jaunt of Kokomo.
The song will score the arrival of the Clippers to the NBA bubble, including Kawhi arriving separately, Patrick Beverley showing off his room and stack of t-shirts, Paul George and Montrezl Harrell fishing, the bubble staff adding more fish to the lake, and Joakim Noah saying the corridor. Doc Rivers will talk about their mindset, already starting to deflect blame away from him.
Insomnia (Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross ft. 21 Savage)
Baz Luhrmann is no stranger to on-the-nose needle drops - Suspicious Minds in Elvis, El Tango de Roxanne in Moulin Rouge, Stop Don’t Drink the Poison She’s Only Faking Being Dead Why Don’t You Give Her A Shove First Idiot from Romeo + Juliet - and the tradition continues in Grand Destino.
A montage of Paul George’s mental health struggles will be set to a cover of Faithless’s Insomnia, as performed by Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross. PG will be up at night, isolating himself, and his playing will become increasingly unstable. As the intensity of George’s situation rises, in a somewhat ironic twist, 21 Savage will deliver Maxi Jazz’s lyrics in his signature sleepy delivery.
You Oughta Know/I Heard It Through The Grape Vine Mash-up (SZA and The Weeknd)
In a sequence that flashes back and forth between the official story about Lou Williams leaving the bubble to attend a funeral, to him partying at Magic City with Jack Harlow, to the slow unravelling of the truth, with reactions from other players in the bubble and the basketball media at large. Lou doesn’t seem to mind so much, content with the memories of wings and dancers. By far the sexiest set piece of the movie, which Doc Rivers makes abundantly clear in his narration.
Let Me Roll It (Billie Eilish)
As the playoffs deepen, fractures are becoming more obvious between the Clippers. Doc Rivers insists on playing Montrezl Harrell over Iviza Zubac against Jokic, in spite of Jokic feasting on Trez. There’s no accountability in the locker room, tensions are increasing. Jovan Buha keeps leaking stories about the Clippers’ disfunction, with rumours flying about who his source is (it’s quite obviously Trez). Kawhi keeps to himself, drinking CJ McCollum’s Pinot Noir. The set piece will be accompanied by a Billie Eilish cover of Paul McCartney and Wings’ Let Me Roll It, in her signature haunting style.
Party of One (Various Artists)
In a moment of levity, in a purportedly ‘spectacular’ scene, Dwight Howard attends a DJ function, only to find that he’s the only one there. This doesn’t stop him from dancing and imagining the ballroom is filled with people, all knowing choreographed dances featuring him as the star. In an ‘Elephant Love Medley’ style mix, Dwight dances his way through Pictures of You by The Cure; a brass band version of Danza Kuduro; Gucci Mane’s trap interpretation of Peg by Steely Dan; the B52s covering LMFAO’s Sexy and I Know It; and ending with a full orchestral rendition of Robert Palmer’s Addicted to Love, before he’s unceremoniously interrupted by Quinn Cook asking where everyone is and are they hanging out without him.
Layla (Big Freedia) and Break Stuff (Tyler, The Creator)
The climax of the movie - the Clippers blown 3-1 lead and game seven collapse - is allegedly set to two cover versions. Big Freedia’s New Orleans bounce interpretation of Layla by Derek and the Dominoes will be used to underscore the despair and desperation that starts to settle in as the Clippers repeatedly blow double digit leads. Tyler, The Creator’s cover of Break Stuff by Limp Bizkit will see him return to his early, angry sound to illustrate the rage and infighting finally coming to a head. The whole sequence will hear Doc Rivers’ insisting that nothing is his fault. He will point out every missed shot and ask how that was his responsibility. Clips of him in the locker room ignoring analytics and doing nothing to foster chemistry will be interspersed, along with the glee of the other bubble teams watching the collapse together.
The film will conclude with an elderly version of Tom Hanks’s Doc Rivers still working as a head coach in the NBA, in spite of ten further blown 3-1 leads to his name.
I have never seen All The Money In The World, but I recently came across the script for it and completely agree with the decision to replace Kevin Spacey rather than shelve the film altogether, because it has an important message that needs to be shared. I was also surprised at the length, but it’s good to know Ridley Scott tried his hand at brevity at least once in his career.
All my little special and important opinions on some of this offseason’s trades:
I love the Gobert to Minnesota trade! The T-Wolves almost definitely overpaid but I’m all in on them stockpiling on seven footers. Very glad to see them do something, I hope it works!
Pat Bev on the Jazz is like pairing Emily Blunt with Dwayne Johnson - I don’t want to see it.
Brogdon to the Celtics does nothing for me. I don’t expect them to reach the finals again this year, however I do expect Daniel Theis to be back on the Celtics by the time the season is over.
Please Kevin don’t Huerter going to the Kings is fun! Signing Malik Monk is great! Keegan Murray had an excellent summer league debut and I am ready to lay my life on the line for him! I last believed in the Kings on the 10th of April 2022, the day the regular season ended, and after a brief hiatus, I am once again ready to believe in the Kings again.
DeAndre Jordan getting one year with the Nuggets is just fantastic, you cannot keep that man down.
No-one does drama like Kevin Durant. Excited for the inevitable and disappointing conclusion of KD and Kyrie staying on the Nets this year.
Kevin Love got married, and LeBron posted this very wholesome picture of the 2017/2018 era Cavs. As a big supporter of boys loving their boys, I loved this! I love K Love grasping JR Smith’s titty, love Mrs Love’s gentle embrace of Jordan Clarkson, love that Jordan Clarkson was invited, love LeBron smiling without showing teeth (relatable), love being reminded just how bald Richard Jefferson is, really love James Jones’s smile, and I love that TT + Shump + the Nets’ pick were traded away before this photo was taken. No other notable exceptions here!
FINALLY, some respect is being shown to my hotties only rule - Julia Roberts and George Clooney have reunited for another movie. This duo coming back together was essentially an unofficial Parent Trap sequel, where I played both British and American Lindsey Lohan and I made my extremely famous parents get back together using only the power of my mind, while they had and continue to have no idea I exist. I love it!
That’s it for this week! For anyone keeping track, I still have yet to finish An Unmarried Woman. At this point I think I would have to start it from the beginning.