Snub Royale

We're gonna write about one thing, and one thing only

In the book I am famously reading, there’s a chapter that covers the 1999 and 2000 Oscar races - the Dreamworks vs Miramax vs Saving Private Ryan vs Shakespeare In Love vs American Beauty vs The Cider Movie Where Erykah Badu Plays Delroy Lindo’s Daughter battle. It’s mentioned casually that Denzel Washington was the early frontrunner for the 2000 best actor oscar for The Hurricane, which ultimately went to Kevin Spacey. Last week, I spoke with my friend Julian about Denzel losing the Malcolm X oscar to Al Pacino for Scent of a Woman, which Julian pointed out might have been due in part to Denzel acting opposite Angela Bassett whereas Al Pacino had to work with Chris O’Donnell, you have to reward a carry job when you can. Denzel is no stranger to a snub, which leads us here, the Denzel Washington Snub Royale.

Denzel Washington has been nominated for ten oscars in his career - two for best supporting actor (Cry Freedom, and a win for Glory), seven for best actor (Malcolm X, The Hurricane, Flight, Fences, Roman J. Israel, Esq., The Tragedy of Macbeth, and a win for Training Day), and an additional best picture nom for Fences, which he directed.

He lost eight oscars to the following people:

1993 - Al Pacino - Scent of a Woman (Malcolm X)

1998 - Sean Connery - The Untouchables (Cry Freedom)

2000 - Kevin Spacey - American Beauty (The Hurricane)

2013 - Daniel Day-Lewis - Lincoln (Flight)

2017 - Casey Affleck - Manchester By The Sea (Fences)

2018 - Gary Oldman - Darkest Hour (Roman J)

2022 - Will Smith - King Richard (Macbeth)

The 2017 best picture went to Moonlight, however the bigger issue is Denzel’s lack of nomination for best director. Whether or not he deserved it is a separate argument from the fact that Hacksaw Ridge’s director Mel Gibson was nominated, which is extremely easy not to do. I have lived every day of my life so far without having nominated Mel Gibson for anything, I fail to see where the struggle lies.

The seeding for this bracket was determined by ranking Denzel’s performances in the films he was nominated for. This is a completely subjective ranking written by a coward who will not argue that their choices are wrong.

1. Malcolm X
2. Cry Freedom
3. Macbeth
4. The Hurricane
5. Flight
6. Fences
7. Roman J
8. Fences (Director)

It should be important to note at this point that this is not a bracket to determine the biggest snub, it’s who would win in a fight to the death between these characters, a hypothetical I am keen to help make a reality!

Semi-Finals

(1) Lt Col. Frank Slade vs Director Mel Gibson (8)

Lt. Col. Frank Slade is a highly decorated Vietnam War veteran and cantankerous alcoholic; Mel Gibson is a highly decorated film director and cantankerous alcoholic. I have no doubt of the pain Mel Gibson can and does inflict on people, however Frank Slade blinded himself by juggling live grenades, a level of instability and unpredictability that Mel Gibson can only aspire to. Frank wins.

(2) Jimmy Malone vs Winston Churchill (7)

Jimmy Malone is a veteran Irish-American police officer who owns and utilises a shotgun. I am in no way arguing that this prohibition era Chicago policeman hasn’t killed a vast amount of people, but Churchill has killed more if you include genocide, which I do. However, while he has more blood on his hands, his killings were generally performed on his behalf by terrified men in their early twenties, and while The Untouchables proved that Jimmy Malone is not impervious to death by bullets, he would still likely destroy Winston Churchill 1v1. Jimmy wins.

(3) Richard Williams vs Lee Chandler (6)

Richard Williams as portrayed in King Richard gets his ass kicked and teeth knocked out by a gang, and he went after them with a gun, which shows great resilience. Lee Chandler is a depressed, asocial janitor who accidentally caused a house fire which killed his children, and turns to drinking and starting bar fights he can’t win, which shows little resilience. A classic LA/Boston showdown, I encourage this fight most of all. Richard wins.

(4) Lester Burnham vs Abraham Lincoln (5)

A duel between two characters who have one fateful thing in common - both were shot in the head for not being gay. Lincoln might be slow and stiff, but he was also 6’4” and prone to giving long meandering speeches, which is kryptonite to Lester Burnham, a man in the throes of a mid-life crisis who has a tendency to zone out and envision the person in front of him stripping into rose petals. Easily the most sexually explicit fight of the playoffs. Lincoln wins.

Conference Finals

(1) Lt. Col Frank Slade vs Richard Williams (3)

Frank Slade vs Richard Williams would be an interesting showdown: Richard is driven and focussed, Frank is erratic and insulting; Richard is a tenacious father, Frank a confrontational uncle; Richard has the power of tennis, Frank can identify women’s perfumes by their scent. Ultimately, Richard still has the power of sight, which gives him the upper hand (or back hand, tennis reference). Richard wins.

(2) Jimmy Malone vs Abraham Lincoln (5)

This is perhaps the most evenly matched fight. Both are old, tall, stoic men driven by a sense of righteousness. This fight will likely come down to Jimmy standing down and letting Lincoln win in a traditionally dull eastern conference finals. Lincoln wins.

Finals

(3) Richard Williams vs Abraham Lincoln (5)

The point at which Abraham Lincoln and Richard Williams have to fight to the death to be crowned snub king is the moment where I began to have doubts about this entire exercise. Richard Williams wins, Abraham Lincoln did a lot but he didn’t raise the Williams sisters. Richard wins.

So concludes the Denzel Washington edition of the 2023 Hey Laker Girls Snub Royale. Long may it reign.

That is unfortunately it for this week! I would love to celebrate the Bucks extending their win streak to 15 games and claiming the number one seed, however since the Clippers acquired Westbrook the NBA has ceased existing to me. Like Andrew Garfield in Silence, I am wrestling with my faith and the suffering involved, and everyone in my life would be happier if I were replaced by Adam Driver. However, as an encore, I leave you with this idea I just came up with: Jules Holland Drive. Thank you!