The Lazarus Project (2008)
Title refers exclusively to me returning to society after the Clippers and Bucks were unceremoniously removed from the playoffs
This has been by far the most challenging few weeks in my professional life. I understood cognitively that I probably shouldn’t have given LeBron James so much shit, and that it came with consequences. What I didn’t - and don’t - truly understand, however, was why I was painted the bad guy.
The primary mandate I had for myself in making this decision was to base it on what would be the biggest "fuck you” to the people that say I couldn’t or shouldn’t do something - as that has always steered me in the right direction. But I am also at a point in my life where it is of equal importance to find an opportunity that encourages my evolution as a man: moving out of my comfort zone to a new career and community which offers the greatest potential for making sure LeBron James no longer has access to easy-to-assemble, transitory home furnishings. With this in mind, I have decided that I am going to join IKEA.
I’m from Ontario, originally, and one of the things I have always respected is the international uniformity of IKEA. It’s in over 60 countries, but as soon as you enter one you feel at home. I’ll get to achieve things I never could have dreamed of in the NBA - I would never be allowed to wear a kerchief while on the job, or tell people how they should fit their kitchens. But most importantly, if notoriously thrifty LeBron James is ever roaming through the Burbank IKEA looking for a storage bench to hide away his collection of pussy-ass old man shoes, guess who he’s gonna be face-to-face with when he opens the cabinet doors? Timothy Treadwell thought he could handle a grizzly bear too, enough said.
It really pains me to know that I will disappoint so many people with this choice, but I believe I am doing what I feel is the right thing at this point in my life. I made it to the highest level in basketball by playing in the NBA, I’ll succeed at whatever I dedicate myself to. And I’m proud that my focus is now restricting LeBron’s furniture shopping options, with the intent that he’ll be too upset to enjoy one of IKEA’s delicious $1 hot dogs.
I will miss Memphis, and the role I have had in building their remarkable team. The friends and teammates I went to war with on the court, the fans, the community - you have all shown me that I look good in yellow and blue. I cannot be more grateful to all of you.
Call me old fashioned but I expect more maturity from ESPN, the broadcasters that let Jeff Van Gundy wonder aloud what you’re allowed to do with your second cousins.
Technically the remains of several weeks, but we cannot choose how we will react to the systematic dismantling of everything we know and love about the NBA in a single playoffs - which in my case could be best described as ‘poorly’. Nevertheless, I stand by the following dregs of content no matter how outdated they are!
Jock Landale, Phoenix Suns
Joel Embiid, Philadelphia 76ers
Giannis Antetokounmpo, Milwaukee Bucks
I am going to get absolutely pilloried for this vote.
To be clear, I think Giannis is the better will player, and will likely continue to be the better player. Embiid will certainly win this award this year.
But do you know what we’ve learned in the last couple of decades in the NBA? We’ve learned that high-usage, high-efficiency, high-impact players in the NBA don’t necessarily contribute to a fun experience. And that’s exactly Embiid offered this season. He led the league in scoring for a second consecutive year on 53-33-86% shooting splits, but the feelings matter. I knew Embiid would likely win his games, as would Giannis, as would Jokic.
I had much more fun when Jock Landale was on the court for the Suns. That’s why the advanced statistics favour him by an undeniable margin. He certainly played a less significant role for his team than my other selections, but he made the most of it, leading the league in REBA - the all-in-one player metric developed at MIT that adjusts a player’s efficiency by how excited you feel when you see them take the floor (Rationalised Efficiency By Awoooh).
The hair? Awoooh! I get to do an Australian accent when he plays? Awoooh! He played 69 games this season? Awoooooooouuuuuuuoouuuhh!!! There’s nothing better or funnier than that! With Steven Adams injured, who else has possibly carried the burden of joy as well as Jock? And it is a burden - possibly greater than that of leading a team in points, rebounds, assists. How are we even debating this? It’s Jock Landale by a mile. It’s Jock Landale and then everyone else.
So I’m going with Jock Landale. He’s simply more REBA.
That’s it for this week! By next week’s edition we will all know whether Doc Rivers made the conference finals, and thus whether all our gods have abandoned me, specifically. Thank you for reading!