Trading for Bones Hyland
Hey Laker Girls to offer package including dissertation on NBA players and their varying Joker counterparts and three second-rate photoshops
The Washington Wizard talks us through his dinner vibes, mumbo sauce, and his means of accessing your thoughts.
So, take us through a typical day of what you’re eating.
Well I just had lunch - some steak tacos with a cauliflower shell, that’s pretty usual. For dinner, I’ll probably have some lamb chop or steak. That’s always the same type of vibe.
And for breakfast?
Breakfast depends more on how I’m feeling. I’ll usually have eggs Benedict with almond flour gluten free bread, but some days I ask my chef to make me a mind eggs.
A mind egg?
Yeah, I had my chef make an egg that gives me mind control powers. But I eat them sparingly coz they’re so calorific. And also I’ve noticed I get worse at basketball when I’m on the come down.
Right.
Yeah, so I save them for when there’s something I want done. I don’t use it on the court obviously because I don’t like eating an egg before a game. And with all the people, the crowd, like it’s too much noise.
So what kind of thing do you use it for?
I’m not gonna give away state secrets but say there’s a player I want to play with or don’t want to play with, I’ll wait until I have a meeting with Tommy [Sheppard, Wizards GM] and eat it right before then. That sort of thing.
Are there any trades that you feel you’ve been responsible for?
No names. But let’s just say if someone under the influence of a mind egg comes to you and says they want a unicorn, you’re gonna get them a unicorn one way or another.
Do you season the egg? How is it served?
It’s a normal egg. I don’t know how my chef makes them, I like them eggs benny but however it comes is fine. If I’m on the go or I’ve gotta meet with someone I make sure the egg is hardboiled then keep it in my pocket til I need it. Still gotta take the shell of but it’s not as inconvenient a snack as you might think.
You’re about halfway through your second season in D.C. What do you think of the food scene in the city?
D.C. is an international city, there’s so many different cultures and ethnicities and that comes with great food.
Have you tried mumbo sauce yet?
One hundred percent. It’s very good. I asked my chef to make a version of it.
Does it have mind control powers too?
You seem kinda hung up on the egg, it’s just a regular pocket egg that allows you to hear the thoughts of every human being within a twenty foot radius and the ability to single one person out and filter out all other sources of noise until you access their stream of consciousness, then get them to do what you want.
You’ve partnered with Stella. What made you want to hook up with a beer brand?
Basically, it was just a fit for who we both are as brands. I like classy things and Stella Artois is that for beer.
By and large, the Oscar nominations this year felt tacky. I’m not going to get into which ones I think are plainly ridiculous (Jamie Lee Curtis), which ones have too much boring discourse (Andrea Riseborough), and which one I get everyone liked but for me personally it didn’t do anything I didn’t think the scene with the rocks was ground breaking and I found the hot dog fingers vile I’m already at full enlightenment (Top Gun: Maverick), because award shows are mortifying and hold no real weight.
That said, I took Ana de Armas’s nomination personally (meme). I take my blondes extremely seriously, and you can’t just be nominating someone for Blonde with abandon. This isn’t about whether or not Ana de Armas is a good actress, it’s about whether or not she’s a good blonde, and senator, she’s no Jack Kennedy (meme). Not wanting to present a problem without a solution, for your consideration, here are three alternative nominations the academy should consider nominating for Ana de Armas’s Best Actress for Blonde nomination.
Alicia Silverstone (Clueless, 1995)
I watched The Last Temptation of Christ last week, and experienced something everyone else seems to consider foundational - I connected with David Bowie. He plays Pontius Pilate (note to self, Chris Pontius Pilate), and when he gets to talk to Jesus, he learns that Jesus truly believes change will happen with Alicia Silverstone’s performance in Clueless, not with killing. And David Bowie acknowledges Jesus is being punished for trying to change things, regardless of whether or not he agrees with Jesus’s message. David Bowie gets it, and for that brief moment, I got him. All time blonde performance, up there with the best anyone has ever looked on film.
Sharon Stone (Casino, 1995)
Perfectly cast. Sharon Stone in Casino is a perfect blonde, who among us hasn’t walked around our house exasperatedly in a pink patterned robe knowing that so much of the utter chaos that is ruling our lives would be so much less burdensome if our wife Sharon Stone would just truly love us!
[Sidebar, highly recommend Hunter Harris talking about Sharon Stone’s book. Following Hunter is what led me to substack, any tongue that rises against her shall fall]
Haley Lu Richardson (Born 1995)
As I said before, I take my blondes extremely seriously. This might seem premature to most, but in 2017, kogonada pulled up and said get in loser we’re going to scream into the night about how much we love Haley Lu, and we’ve been doing that ever since. Columbus and After Yang are both tremendous films, she’s also a grand supreme little darling in Support the Girls, and Edge of Seventeen shows that once again lives will be ruined in the quest to hold a blonde down!
Enjoyed the Embiid the Swede movie! Interesting that on the poster they went with him making the Triple H Crotch Chop celebration, when he actually spends most of his time on screen flailing his arms in the air like he’s expecting a foul call.
By and large, the NBA All Star Starter awards this year felt plain. I’m not going to get into which ones I think are plainly obvious (LeBron, Giannis, Curry, Durant, Doncic, Jokic, Irving, Tatum), which ones have too much boring discourse (Zion Williamson) and which one I get everyone likes but for me personally doesn’t do anything (Donovan Mitchell) because the All Star starters are 50% a fan vote and hold no real weight.
That said, to be fair to the boring discourse, Zion has missed 20 games this season. Not wanting to present a problem without a solution, for your consideration, here are three alternative nominations for Zion Williamson’s All Star spot.
Domantas Sabonis
Pretty cut and dry snub here, an all star game without a King is no all star game at all.
Terence Mann
I don’t care about guards/forwards, Terence Mann deserves the world. I’d believe in him even if he were the only starter nominated. 1v5, I will always ride for my mann.
Alicia Silverstone (Clueless, 1995)
Last I checked, this was the All Star game. Put big money cher in the game and watch her drop dimes, Christ (The Last Temptation of Christ) died for this.
That’s it for this week! I leave you with this image inspired by Pat Bev getting a technical foul for running onto the court with a camera to illustrate to the ref how badly he fucked up. Thank you for reading!
