Ty Me A Rivers
Putting the same level of effort into this as the All Stars put into their little game
Kareem Abdul Jabbar may no longer be the NBA’s all time leading scorer but he also still refuses to follow my substack. A complex king!
This is a look behind the curtain at the Hey Laker Girls twelve-step creative process, from start to finish. In this instance, the journey begins with the news that dearly beloved Reggie Jackson has been traded away from the Clippers, and joined the Denver Nuggets.
Step One
Wallow in great pain and sadness for a week (integral part, grief begets growth)
Step Two
Allow self to be incepted by 20th Century Pictures with the idea to promote the movie Walk The Line. Recall the scene where Johnny Cash’s mean wife is watching him on stage with Reese Witherspoon, and later, when introduced, demands she stay away from her daughters.
Step Three
Realise the ease with which the song Jackson can be shoehorned into being about Reggie Jackson, with Cash’s wife replaced with Doc Rivers and their daughters with Jackson, Luke Kennard, and SGA, telling Hey Laker Girls they’re not allowed to root for these boys anymore.
Step Four
Bask in the power of one’s own mind.
Step Five
Try to find the scene in Walk The Line, only to discover an error, the duet is It Ain’t Me, Babe; Jackson doesn’t play until after the confrontation. Also learned Mrs Cash said ‘stay clear of my children’, not ‘bitch I’m your landlord, don’t got no remorse’, as has previously been remembered.
Step Six
Stall.
Step Seven
Read about Westbrook meeting with Paul George about joining the Clippers, with PG quoted from a few days earlier about their need for a point guard.
(Optional, will affect outcome)
Convince self Clippers are just talking big to try and get under the Lakers’ skin. Assume they’re not actually going to do something so chaotic as pick up Utah Jazz legend Russell Westbrook.
Step Eight
It Ain’t Me, Babe, easily transforms into a duet with PG and Westbrook talking about how they’re not right for each other.
Step Nine
Re-write the lyrics to It Ain’t Me, Babe, draft all the subtitles to the scene, accept that the audio will remain as is because I will not be caught dead singing on god’s green internet.
Step Ten
Begin the torturous but satisfying process of mapping PG and Westbrook’s faces onto the video:
Step Eleven
Step Twelve
Return to wallowing.
And lo, a post has been born. Go forth, and enjoy your team’s inevitable second round departure from the playoffs once more!
For those among you that see a film has been released with a cast you can appreciate, but that you still can’t bring yourself to watch, I will be doing a great kindness by posting the wikipedia plot summaries here, so that you may educate yourselves and have a means to participate the next time you’re in a conversation with a group of women skewing 55 years old and older. This week, 40k for LBJ, a movie I’m surprised was released so soon considering it’s still so recent, but such is the trend nowadays.
That’s it for this week! Bit of a hodgepodge, so I’m sorry but I just woke up and I didn’t have my glasses on and I was lacking my gluten free cereal and there was no coconut milk and I couldn’t find my earrings that I took off last night and I am missing my dog. Thank you for reading!