We The People Demand The Irredeemable Batgirl Movie

My body, my choice to watch your trash film

Indiana Pacers - Myles Turner, Buddy Hield, two first round picks

Whether or not the Lakers would have had to include Talen Horton-Tucker in the trade seems irrelevant, rejecting this offer is hubris in its finest form. The Lakers holding on to their 2027 and 2029 first round picks while LeBron James enters his 20th year in the league is extremely rude.

Utah Jazz - Buyout + draft capital

Granted, this deal is vague, but the option of sending Russell Westbrook to the Utah Jazz in exchange for money should have been an obvious one to take. Whether they ended up receiving a player in return is irrelevant, they’ll have the money to offer free agents a better deal, meaning Blake Griffin can finally return to LA.

Boston Celtics - Derrick White + Isaiah Thomas’s ghost

Although he doesn’t match Westbrook’s average 18 points per game, White still managed 11 off the bench for the Celtics with more reliable shooting. The Celtics have been haunted by Isaiah Thomas’s ghost since they refused to offer him a max contract in 2017, and have reportedly been trying for years to get rid of him, to no avail. In turning down this offer, the Lakers turned down the opportunity to try and trap Thomas’s ghost inside Kendrick Nunn’s body, which would have likely produced 15 ppg in the twenty games the resulting perennially injured six-foot point guard would appear in.

Queen Mary University of London - Elephant Man’s bones

Those bones are good enough for Michael Jackson, but not for you, Rob Pelinka? Grow up.

Family Guy - Carter and Babs Pewterschmidt + second round pick

On its surface, two bodies and a pick for Westbrook is already a no brainer. When you consider that Carter Pewterschmidt - father of Family Guy’s Lois Griffin - is a gleefully sadistic billionaire, you realise that not only did the Lakers turn down free money, but they turned down one of their own kind. And he’s a veteran, which makes this look even worse. Babs may not be a productive player but she would fill the void left by Kostas Antetokounmpo.

Charlotte Hornets - Miles Bridges

The Hornets extended a qualifying offer to Bridges in June, but are allegedly ‘very keen’ to let him play for the Lakers. A selfless move from a play-in team, offering a lottery team a much better player out of the goodness of their heart. I do not read the news.

LIV Golf - 60 Million Dollars

Saudi money is good enough for Michael Jackson, but not for you, Rob Pelinka? Good lord.

Human rights groups are urging the UN to end the ‘Dick Van Dyke’ waiver that allows actors to perform whatever accent they feel like doing in any given film. Enacted after Van Dyke’s performance in Mary Poppins, the waiver means that, as long as an actor is having fun, they are within their rights to speak however they want, regardless of the suffering it causes audiences.

The 2022 film Bullet Train is to blame for stirring up the most recent debate, with Joey King, Brian Tyree Henry, Logan Lerman, and Michael Shannon performing accents that differ from their own American timbre, to inconsistent and sometimes upsetting degrees.

“This is a human rights issue, and it affects the global population,” said a Human Rights Watch spokesperson. “House of Gucci, Concussion, Blood Diamond; how many countries - how many people - should have to sit and watch their way of life be butchered by actors ‘trying something new’?”

Human Rights Watch says, at minimum, an accent ban should be imposed on Jared Leto, for the health and wellbeing of citizens from all over the world. “It’s unheard of that an actor so recently introduced to the prestige acting fold could have caused so much damage in such little time”.

Amnesty International has previously called for a ban on Jared Leto appearing in any recorded media, which, following the release of Morbius, the UN is said to be considering.

The Remains of The Week this week is more The Remains of Other Weeks, which is to say ‘shitty photoshops I did for pieces I was too slow to write before the topic became outdated’.

Alex Caruso saying “I don’t think I realized how much the Lakers are in the media until you leave”

The Nets have never left the news, I could have used this at any time the past summer but I rose above it.

And that’s it for this week! Thank you for reading my dumb little newsletter that I love so much.